Clashing Trains...

Tonight I found out some things that ended up crashing in my brain like a nice big train wreck. That’s never good in my mind, because there’s a lot up there, and so many different things – especially things that tie to a couple of different hot buttons for me is never a good thing. 

Right now as I write this I am both rather perturbed, and greatly saddened. I was told why several friends of mine have been absent from fellowship recently and was moved close to tears because of what’s happened. Also this evening, while having my nightly talk with my girlfriend, I became rather upset at the lack of leadership she’s experiencing at her current place of employment, and the stress that she’s feeling because of it. To top it all off, while doing devotions, some other things tripped off in my brain and heart and just heaped on to the trains rushing toward collision in the rail yard of my grey matter.

I have no qualms saying that there are times when I hate who I am. I rather dislike the sense of duty, honesty, fair-play, goodness, and passion for excellence in everything that comes from those things. They are all rather hard to balance out with my lack of self control, pride, strength of will, and those frequent thoughts that I know all the answers (which, I do honestly realize I don’t, as much as I’d like to). That strong desire to make everything right and perfect is rather annoying when put in the light of all those other traits that I’ve been given and developed. I stand amazed at the gifts that I’m given, and realize, that because of them (and I’m not bragging by the way, I really wish I didn’t have what I think I have) there is a lot expected of me – and that just makes people dislike me more because they seem to get this impression that I think I’m better then anyone else. It’s exactly the opposite, I know what I have and am rather confident about it, but I really don’t think all that much of myself.

When you find out that a young man has succumbed to a temptation which you have fought against so hard yourself, your heart breaks. Mine did just tonight because of some news that I heard. What makes it even harder for me is that I think in my own mind I should have caught some of the signs beforehand, and warned him. In a sense, however, I think I did. He was present when I told my story. The story of how I broke a woman’s heart – one I thought I was to marry, and was pretty much on the way to that – because I didn’t act like the man I am called to be. When I cheated on my girlfriend of some years ago, not only did I rip her heart up, but I did some hefty damage to my own. To my knowledge she has healed fairly well, as she was married a year this past 12^th of August. I on the other hand, am still dealing with the damage I dealt myself. Some 5 years after the dastardly act I committed, it still haunts me, no matter how oft I cry “get thee behind me, Satan, you have no power here.” Five years later I still hesitate, because I dread becoming the half man I was. My heart breaks for my friends because I know in part the pain they’re feeling. I pray for them and their families for there is much healing to be done.

And I pray for the young woman too. I don’t know what caused the whole thing to happen, and I do not seek to rationalize the actions taken. But to be seemingly without remorse in a situation like this causes me even greater pain, because this young lady was fully exposed to the message of the Love of God, and the full benefits given to those who follow His word and the boundaries therein. I empathize with the anger and the distaste, and the possible hatred, that would come from the family of the one hurt most by the actions of the two – I felt exactly the same anger at myself for the actions I took, and I know the same feelings were harbored toward me so long ago – in fact I’m pretty sure there are still some that might feel them today. But I feel called to pray neither for the condemnation, nor for the wrath of God to be felt by either person. I feel called to pray for healing and a repentant heart for both. All are in my prayers – Lord, please touch them if they are willing for your touch, and chase after them, that they might fully know Your awesome love.

However, as I said that was not the only train chugging on its little track tonight. I found that my current girlfriend’s job is not a good place of employment for anyone. Now, I try my best to be unbiased, and I realize that is hard because one that I care for is the primary source of the information that I get. Without knowing all the sides of the story, I realize that I will tend to lean toward her side yet there is something rather amiss. Now, please mind that I am a fix-it person. I don’t like things that are broken, and I especially get incensed when the best is not being accomplished for someone else. But my biggest pet peeve in the corporate/business world are people that don’t understand the seemingly little known law of putting in good gets you better.

This is what I mean. When you treat someone in a way commensurate with the exampled behavior, you will tend to get the expected return. If you have an employee that is performing below par, doing good will either do one of two things. It will either make the employee realize they’re not in the right position, or it will motivate them to change slightly. Yelling at someone rarely (except in the usual case of the military) gets someone to really change. If you motivate people positively they either get the fire or they don’t. The ones that don’t have probably made a conscious decision within themselves to be sub-par permanently and there is no going back. You let them go and focus on the ones that are seeing the benefit and striving to succeed. On the flip side, if someone is doing well, producing results above expectations and generally seeking to truly do what’s in the best interest of all involved, yet you don’t give them recognition or reward the work accordingly, you tend to lose not only the will of the person to continue, but tend to see negative results cascading as a result.

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Now, I will admit some larger companies might not see net effects take place immediately, but I’m quite certain they will see and experience them, and then wish they had done “good” in the first place. However by that time, the chances of repairing the relationship with the person who was a performer – not just the fast-food order taking, unthinking, attitude packed teen punching the buttons without a smile – will not take a second thought at saying and emphatic “No, not on your life in a thousand years.” to them. For the most part I find that it is poor management skills produced by sub-standard training based on the “me” school of thought – the management pyramid means the folks on the bottom support me, the manager. Sure companies based on that leadership model succeed – because arrogance, avarice and ambition fuel the little people to want to get on the top so they can make someone else feel the pain they felt. But the remaining question is how much did they really lose out on in all that they gained?

I believe Christ was right when He said, “For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?” (Matthew 16:26) Sure you can get a lot when you push down on others, but what is it worth it to you? You’ve probably pushed out everyone that you could share and enjoy your success with. It truly is poor leadership when you only think of the money bottom-line. Your “people” bottom-line is so much more important, and it fuels the money. I honestly wish I could give my girlfriend’s bosses a piece of my mind – but it’s her battle, and she’s told me that. I want to fix it, make it right and fight for what is best for her, but in this one I can’t. And that frustrates me to no end.

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I have more running around in my head right now, but for the most part I’ve vented as I need to. If I can’t sleep, maybe I’ll write some more and put it up for you to read my rants. This is a really good way for me to process some of the things in my mind. It really does help me to materialize what’s going on in the grey matter in this way. Hopefully it’s semi-lucid, and maybe someone who reads it will be touched and have their life change because of it. Overall, however, I must be very thankful to the Lord, because He’s help me keep my calm, and given me the strength to do this. Otherwise I’d still be going at something…don’t know what it is though.<>

<>Blessings, and stay strong in the faith if you’re in it, and if you’re not, find out how freeing it really is.